So today, I picked up the newest copy of People Magazine and read their interview with Nicole Kidman about various aspects of her life. They asked her an ingenious question – what would she tell her 20-something self if given the opportunity – and I’ve not been able to get that query out of my mind all day. Most of the people who know me know that I didn’t have the easiest road as a child and young adult. Being very heavy and (I felt) very unattractive made significantly more complicated the already difficult road we call adolescence. Significant family issues made matters even worse. I spent so much time in my late childhood and teens (and even my young adulthood) always worried, always searching, always doubting. Never believing that my best was good enough. Never thinking that I was worth much of any consideration or laud. Not wanting to call attention to myself, lest I expose myself to what I worried was certain scorn. I accepted second, sometimes third best because I felt it was all I was entitled to, and I tried to let go of hopes and dreams because I feared the crushing blow of the inevitable disappointment that awaited me. So imagine my surprise as the years moved onward that this self-perception of the world wasn’t really so. Was I overweight? Yes. But I was worthy of good. Talented. Funny. Loved. Attractive, physically and (more important) socially and spiritually. When I learned to take chances and experienced successes (academic, musical, romantic), I gained the courage and oomph to keep at it. And today, I bloviate to you as an almost 38-year old woman (yeowch, that’s hard to type) who, although still significantly overweight, has all she dreamed of. An amazing, wonderful, “perfect-just-as-he-is” man that I didn’t “settle” for. A beautiful, hilarious, healthy child I was sure my broken body’d never produce. A sometimes frustrating but generally satisfying career. Means, money, a home, and more plenty than I need. And a beautiful group of family and friends to share it all with. Reading that simple question today led me to wonder what I would say to the Jennifer-of-long-ago if I could. I thought long and hard about it, and here’s what my heart said:
1. Don’t worry so much. You spend an inordinate amount of time engaged in unnecessary worry. If you’d devote the majority of the time you spend worrying to actually experiencing and enjoying the world around you, you’d be a much happier person.
2. Understand that each heartbreak is a natural part of life. The lesson is not in the heartbreak, rather the journey to recovery ahead. An amazing, intelligent, funny, loving, selfless, hard-working, family-oriented, sensual, strong man is out there. His name is Curtis, and believe me, he’ll be worth the wait and heartache. You’re not ready for him yet, but don’t give up on the belief that he’s out there. And yes, before you ask, he’s waiting for you, too.
3. Stop cheating and underestimating yourself. You’re not only entitled to but are SUPPOSED to demand only the best, stop short at nothing to achieve your goals, dream as big as the sky, and be happy. God gave you life to live.
4. SING! Loudly and proudly and every chance that you get. Let people hear that beautiful mezzo-soprano voice! Stop hiding behind self-doubt and the fear of ridicule. God gave you a gift that, trust me, isn’t always promised to be there. Don’t hide behind self-consciousness. You’ve got it, sister…now work it!
5. Forgive more easily. Understand that the reason you hold on to anger and sadness is fear. You’re telling yourself that the anger makes you stronger…that angry, your eyes are forever opened and your ability to be re-injured, removed. You couldn’t be more wrong. Know that it takes amazing courage, beauty, and grace to forgive. It’s easier to be afraid than to open your heart again. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t give your harmers blanket authority to hurt you again. It does, however, heal your heart and spirit by releasing unbearably toxic and incredibly hurtful, spiritually inhibiting feelings. Please don’t wait until your thirties to let go.
6. On the topic of letting go, stop focusing your energies on those things outside your sphere of control. You control only Jennifer, today and tomorrow. Every second spent focusing elsewhere inhibits your growth and your experience of the world around you. Don’t squander the present and all its joys by focusing on things and people you simply cannot control.
7. Stop being afraid of who you are. So you’re fat? Big fucking deal. It’s not a secret. It’s not like anyone looks at you and thinks, “Wow, swimsuit model-the anorexic edition!” Stop trying to pretend you’re thin, apologizing for being heavy, and over-compensating for your weight every second of your life! The only one who has hangups about your weight is you. Sure, the children with whom you shared a childhood mistreated you because of your weight. They were children. The adults you encounter in college and thereafter see you the person, not you the body. They will, however, focus on your weight and fail to see the good in you if you allow them to by hiding who you are because you’re afraid. Give the people around you more credit…and, while you’re at it, give yourself more credit as well. Never hide your light from the world because of fear.
I so wish that I could go back in time. Certainly other people feel this way, too. I realize that it’s a deeply personal question, but I’d love to know what you would say to yourself-of-long-ago if given the opportunity. What have you learned in age that would have bettered your life, your heart, your thoughts so many years ago? And would you go back? Would you share these wisdoms with the undeveloped you?
My Bloviation Celebration! 